


Forget Me. Not (2007)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Melancholy, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-01
Updated: 2007-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-06 20:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between the rain and free-flowing sake, Hakkai remembers all the things he tries hardest to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forget Me. Not (2007)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [svana_vrika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/svana_vrika/gifts).



Sanzo sighed impatiently and kicked angrily at his blanket as yet another flash of lightning split the night sky and a clap of thunder shook the window of his hotel room. When they'd arrived in this shithole town, the clouds had been an ominous grey, and by dinner time, the heavens had opened and it had started to rain. As the evening had worn on, the downpour had worsened, and now, it was a veritable deluge outside. Snorting in disgust, he sat up and reached for his cigarettes. He took a long drag, and as he slowly exhaled, he got to his feet and slipped on his shoes, foregoing his robes for the time being. He was overtired, he was wide awake, and he was pretty sure that he wasn't the only one. Shoving his room key into the pocket of his jeans, he headed down the corridor, hoping his hunch was right.

Stopping at the third door – the one beside the stairway – he knocked softly, his heart subconsciously beating faster in his chest while he waited. His brow furrowed and he scowled when his call went unanswered. Mentally cursing the soft-spoken brunet for not being awake, he snorted, and then immediately chastised himself for his actions. Irritably, he took another quick drag from the cigarette and then headed down the stairs, hoping that the lounge was still open. As he entered, his heart caught in his throat at the sight before him.

Hakkai was sitting at the bar, his back to him, at _least_ a half dozen empty sake bottles around him. The brunet's normally proud posture was slightly hunched, his head bowed before him. Sanzo watched as he wordlessly drained the ochoko and then asked the bartender for another bottle – futsu-shu. Sanzo arched a brow when he heard that. Hakkai was normally more discriminating with his wine, so the fact that he had asked for what essentially constituted rat piss was somewhat disturbing to the blond. He knew that the rain bothered the other as it did him, but Sanzo hadn't understood just how deeply until that moment. Making his way toward Hakkai, a wry smirk settled on his lips when he realized just _how good_ the demon was at cloaking his true feelings around them, and that seemed to bother him a lot more than it should have. Sitting down next to him, Sanzo reached for an ashtray and ground out the heater, immediately lighting up another cigarette.

Sighing inwardly when he saw that there were considerably more bottles in front of the brunet, he drawled, "I'd say I'd join you for a drink, but there's no way in hell I'm having that toilet water you've got." He felt a bit disappointed when his teasing earned no reply from Hakkai, and turning to the bartender, he ordered a bottle of daiginjo-shu and two fresh cups. Finally, he asked, "What are you doing, Hakkai?"

"I thought that it was fairly obvious," the brunet replied flatly after a moment, not lifting his gaze from the tabletop.

The blond rolled his eyes, barely managing to bite back the snarky comment that automatically came to the tip of his tongue. "Touché," he replied dryly. "Fine then. _Why_?"

Hakkai shrugged. "I don't really have a good reason."

"I didn't ask for a good reason." Sanzo nodded in thanks to the bartender, and as the other bottles were removed, he poured them each a glass of the premium sake. "Here."

Taking the offered cup, the brunet looked up, an indescribable sadness in his eyes. "I suppose I'm trying to forget. The rain is exceptionally loud tonight..."

"Impossible; you don't get drunk," Sanzo teased again before a small, understanding smile curved up the corners of his mouth. Despite the situation, he couldn't help but feel a little pleased that the other man was willing to open up to him, even a little. The brunet was beyond tight-lipped when it came to talking about his past, save for the small snippets he already knew and had been a part of. "You truly loved her, ne?"

Hakkai nodded. "Yes...even when she took her own life in front of me, I never stopped loving her. She was both my greatest treasure and my biggest failure as a human being." He drained the glass and set it down on the bar, his tongue resting lightly on his upper lip as he gazed off into the distance. Suddenly, his eyes narrowed slightly and he snorted contemptuously, a dark smirk settling on his lips. "She broke my heart, Sanzo. She didn't trust in me – in _us_ – enough to go on. And some days, I think I hate her as much as I love her." He closed his eyes, his lower lip quivering slightly. "You must think me terribly weak to be so fixated, but the truth is it's not just her I'm trying to forget."

The blond arched a brow in surprise, moving as if to comfort the other before catching himself and downing his drink instead. "Look, Hakkai, it's your business and I'm not going to pry, but..." He sighed heavily, leaving the implied offer hanging uncomfortably in the air. He hated serving in the role of counsellor, and had been quite vocal about it in the past.

For a moment, Hakkai looked at him, and then he shook his head as he dropped his gaze back to the bar. "No, Sanzo; I wouldn't subject you to that. Why ruin both our nights, ne?" There was no malice behind his words, just an unnatural melancholy.

The monk felt an uncomfortable tightening in his chest. At least anger could be repaid with anger, but this taciturn acquiescence cut deeply, and offered no chance for disagreement or self-righteous indignation. "Damn you, Hakkai," he muttered softly. When he felt the questioning green eyes on him, he clenched his jaw tightly and stabbed out what was left of his cigarette. "Only you can make me feel like such a piece of shit by being so accommodating."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Sanzo," the brunet replied quietly. "It wasn't my intention to make you feel bad."

The gentle tone only served to inexplicably piss the blond off more, mostly because he knew the other had nothing to apologize for. If anything, it was _he_ who should be making amends. Hakkai had turned to him, more or less through his invitation, and Sanzo had essentially dismissed him. He knew that Hakkai would never say a word about it, but he could tell that the brunet was hurt. Hakkai wouldn't ask anything further of him that night, and the blond felt worse when his mind cheerfully added an inconvenient, _'if ever.'_ The brunet was funny that way; it was both endearing and frustrating. "Just…shut up," he snapped churlishly. "You're starting to irritate me now." Scowling, he poured himself another glass and quickly drained it, trying to ignore how Hakkai's mouth seemed to snap shut obediently, and how those contrite eyes seemed to penetrate through to his soul. "And stop fucking staring at me; it's creepy."

"I didn't realize I made you so uncomfortable." Without another word, the brunet slid from his barstool.

"Hakkai, wait." The blond desperately wanted to apologize, but he couldn't make the words come – not even when he realized that the other was looking everywhere _but_ at him. Nodding to the now-vacant seat beside him, he said, "Talk to me."

"Sanzo, please." The brunet slowly sat back on the stool, folding his hands on top of the bar. "Don't do this."

"I want to hear it." Again, he clenched his jaw against his discomfort when he saw the quick, disbelieving glance the other gave him. "Please?"

Hakkai sighed heavily and let his eyes fall closed. "After Kanan, I closed myself off, more or less. I knew I would care for and look out for those closest to me, but I just couldn't bring myself to trust anyone…in that way. I still don't, really."

"So? What's the problem then?" Sanzo asked offhandedly as he lit up a cigarette, his tone belying his own inner turmoil.

"Maybe a part of me wants to, especially when it rains. But, if it's not reciprocated, what's the point of pursuing a pipe dream?" The brunet looked meaningfully at a surprised Sanzo, and then snorted humourlessly as he dropped his gaze. "So, I sit here, hating the rain for making those thoughts that much louder. And, I try to forget the love that I had and the one that was never meant to be, futile endeavour that it is."

For a long time, Sanzo simply watched the other as he contemplated Hakkai's words, realizing just how closely they paralleled his own thoughts, his own _feelings_. Finally, he reached out and grasped the hand closest to him, holding it in his own as he rested it on the bar and gave it a small squeeze. "You know what, Hakkai?" he began softly. "Maybe…a part of me wants that, too."


End file.
